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God To Start Charging For Reality
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Chairman and CEO of Reality--God.

Making a move more in-tune with other massively multiplayer experiences, God announced that He would begin charging everyone $9.95 a month to continue to physically exist.

God officially announced the free beta test of reality to be "over" and "a complete success" with no crashes and no reported bugs. While the Revelation chapter in God's beta-test manual, the Bible, hints at a player-wipe to herald a new era, God has mercifully decided to let current existees import their essences from beta reality to reality v1.0 for a one-time charge of $59.99 plus $9.95 per month, like everyone else.

"After over 5000 years of game play, I feel that My product is at a point where people should pay Me for all My hard work. While it only took Me six days to put down the initial engine, it's taken a few million years of waiting for the cosmos to settle followed by thousands of years of evolution to reach this point," God said.

Priests and other devotees who help keep things running smoothly will not have to pay to exist. They will even be granted the teleportation abilities to help newbies gain direction in the world. Player-Killing and corpse-looting, while not formally addressed in the beta version of reality, will only be available to those willing to bear the Mark of Cain, a virtual beacon calling the righteous to slay the mark-bearer.

Many complain that God has made reality too boring. Like Origin's Ultima Online, players must find a job and perform that job perpetually in order to survive. Many would rather be off slaying lizard-men and looting caves.

"If I'm going to have to pay $9.95 a month just to live on top of my other expenses, I expect a little excitement in my day," said random passer-by Glenn Keller.

God will continue to spice up the lives of reality denizens by instigating holy wars, flooding lowlands, and erupting volcanoes. As technology and human knowledge increases, God has plans for a Mars expansion-pack and a lot of new quests involving genetic identity, lasers, and urban sprawl.

Reality has already gone gold and is expected in stores on May 5, 2000..

by Joe Luchansky

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