Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't
control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each
man in the line-up
to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot",
the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a
blaze that destroyed
a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's
newly installed fire
prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last
year," said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
motorist and forced him
to drive to two different automated teller machines. The
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing
beside them, shouting
out "give yourself up."
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance
it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in
very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
reassured her that the
ants are not harmful, and there would be no need to
bring her daughter into
She calmed down, and at the end of the
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some
ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into
the Emergency room right away.
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the
airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting
out of the plane and home. When they took it for a
float on the river,
were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming
towards them. It
out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency
locator that is
activated when the raft is inflated. They are no
longer employed there.
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to
rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a
stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting
to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him
write the note and
might call the police before he reached the teller
window. So he left
the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells
After waiting a
few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't
the brightest light in
the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because
written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that
he would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.
The Wells Fargo teller then
called the police, who arrested the man a few
minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated
speed trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He
later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40. Several
days later, he received
a letter from the police that contained another
picture ..... of handcuffs.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and
mentioned that there was a car
phone in it. The policeman taking the report called
the phone and told the
guy that answered that he had read the ad in the
newspaper and wanted to
buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief
R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers
who were showing their
squad car computer equipment to children in a
Detroit neighborhood. When
he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him
Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered
it into the computer,
and moments later, they arrested Gaitlan because
information on the screen
showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
A guy walked into a little corner store with a
shotgun and demanded all the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the
cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind
the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well, but he refused and
said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The
robber said he was,
but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because he didn't believe
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out
of his wallet and gave
it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and
agreed that the man was in
fact over 21, and he put the scotch in the bag. The
robber then ran from
the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called
the police and gave the
name and address of the robber that he got off the
license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
There was an old professor who started every class with a
vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women
in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he
walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the
one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave
From The Guardian:
"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year
old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire
Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his
account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque,
made out in his new name."
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in
Christchurch, New Zealand: "Will the person who took a slice of cake
from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as
evidence in a poisoning case."
From The Manchester Evening News:
"Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station
released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27-year-old
white male, resident of Wimbledon, in a pumpkin
patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged
with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the County
courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and
squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At
least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview
from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of
the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate
to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy
his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you
know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon
Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual
that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson)
he's... just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you
are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and
then looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for
his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when
it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however,
wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in
time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving
into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of
these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one
of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all people and all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we
can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell
has to expand as souls are added. This gives two
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in
Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by
Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be
a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into
account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having
sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so
Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A in the class.
AN OWN GOAL
It concerns a match played around Dec '93-Feb '94 between
Grenada in some cup competition. Barbados needed to win the game
clear goals in order to progress to the next round. Now the
caused by a daft rule in the competition which stated that in
game going to penalty kicks, the winner would be awarded a 2-0
With 5 minutes to go, Barbados were leading 2-1, and going out
tournament. Then, when they realised they were probably not
against Grenada's massed defence, they turned round, and
an own goal, to level the scores. Grenada, themselves not being
realised what was going on, and then attempted to score an own
However, the Barbados players started defending their opponents
prevent this. In the last five minutes, therefore, spectators
to the incredible sight of a team defending their opponents goal
attackers desperately trying to score an own goal!
Eventually, the game did go to penalties, which Barbados won...
Apparently it was televised live.
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash
machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper
of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front
panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper
off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain
still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached
to the chain, and their license plate still attached
to the bumper.
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in
line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter,
the customs official thought it odd that the golfer
didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked
the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards.
A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf
"Guns For Hire", an Arizona company specializing in
staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from
a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot.
She was sentenced to four years in jail.
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay
$9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison
sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged
check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed
for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that
the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was
driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers
must be alive to qualify.
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon
Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell
and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners
entered the courtroom.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with
a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The
judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years
for a schoolteacher to appear before this court", he
smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and
write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little
bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years
for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a
kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm
into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
punish the whole individual for an offense committed
by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using
your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's
imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he
detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench,
and walked out.