Fishtank Humour - Article Tank - Football Diary of the Year 2000

Fishtank Humour - Article Tank

[Articles] [Pictures] [Fortunes] [Random] [Mail Article to a Friend]

Football Diary of the Year 2000
Article has been viewed 3804 times and mailed 1 time
46 users have rated this article on average 1.5

Rate this article out of 10

JANUARY

- David Beckham again denies that wife Victoria is anorexic, telling an interviewer: "She doesn't even wear anoraks, so how can she be sick of them?"

- Just hours before their first game in Brazil, Manchester United announce that they are to withdraw from the FIFA Clubs World Championship to take part in the Nuneaton & District Schools Challenge Cup (Under-12s section). "You can't stand in the way of progress," says chairman Martin Edwards

- After the success of Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography Managing My Life, Paul Gascoigne releases his own tell-all memoirs, entitled Mangling My Wife.

FEBRUARY

- Fulham owner Mohammed Al-Fayed fails in his latest bid to win an English passport. Several members of the Liverpool squad immediately offer him the use of theirs on the grounds that they have no plans to visit Europe at any time in the near future.

- Commemorative Nuneaton & District Schools Challenge Cup (Under-12s section) winners' shirts go on sale at Manchester United Megastore

- After John Gregory's dismissal, Glenn Hoddle returns to management as boss of Aston Villa and pledges never to repeat his slurs against the disabled. "Anyone who thinks I'll fall into that trap again must be a complete spastic," he says.

MARCH

- In a shock press conference at Old Trafford, Sir Alex Ferguson and Martin Edwards announce their intention to withdraw Manchester United from the 1999-2000 Champions League due to fixture congestion. Both angrily deny their decision has anything to do with the fact that they were knocked out of the competition the previous night by Lazio

- Arsenal drop out of the championship race after having all ten outfield players sent off in the first half of a Premiership game. " I didn't see anything," says Arsene Wenger, who admits he is furious about the late goal which allowed Sheffield Wednesday to earn a 1-1 draw.

APRIL

- Manchester United transfer-list Gary Neville, Paul Scholes and Ronny Johnsen after all three are captured on film obeying the speed limit

- Leeds wrap up the Premiership, but their celebration are ruined when Alan Smith and Jonathan Woodgate are found to have swapped their championship medals for some rare Pokemon trading cards

- Chris Sutton is a surprise late entrant for the election to become Mayor Of London. "He's the most complete 'mare I've ever come across," says campaign backer Ken Bates.

MAY

- Arsenal win the FA Cup. Their victory parade through the streets of North London ends at Highbury, where they immediately face Cambridge United in their third round tie from season 2000-2001, brought forward because of fixture congestion ...

- There is some consolation for beaten finalists Newcastle United as, along with his loser's medal, The Queen hands Bobby Robson a telegram. "I was planning to send you this later in the week anyway," she explains

- After Barcelona humiliate Chelsea 5-0 in the European Cup Final, an angry Gianluca Vialli lambasts his side, claiming: "We played like a bunch of schoolgirls out there." The players point out they were only acting on orders from coach Graham Rix.

JUNE

- David Beckham is sent off to a chorus of boos as England crash 3-0 to Portugal in their first game of Euro 2000. When asked afterwards how he'll cope with the stick, Beckham replies: "I don't think she'll mind at all. Victoria doesn't really like football"

- ITV's tournament coverage is thrown into chaos when analyst Craig Brown flies home straight after the first round

- After successive defeats by Germany and Romania, England are out too and Kevin Keegan turns his attentions to the forthcoming World Cup qualification campaign. "I think we can win it," he says.

JULY

- Italy beat Germany 2-0 to win Euro 2000. In the wild celebrations which follow, David May is pictured proudly holding the trophy aloft

- During a hectic four-week campaign, Manchester United play every other club side on earth and defeat them all. A subsequent poll asks: 'Are Manchester United The Best Team In The World?', 95% of readers say no...

- Released by United, Teddy Sheringham signs for Fulham and receives a brand new Harrods racing bike from owner Mohammed Al- Fayed as part of the deal. "I can't wait to show those Gooners my pedals," he says.

AUGUST

- Paul Gascoigne's much-rumoured move to a top American outfit goes awry when it is discovered that he is too fat to fit inside the Ronald McDonald suit

- Manchester United announce their intention to withdraw from the Premiership because of fixture congestion. Explains chairman Martin Edwards: "Removing these 38 meaningless games from our schedule will give us ample time for our important friendlies against Singapore Rattans, Kuala Lumpur Neckstretchers and the Arkansas Howdy-Doodies, plus the defence of our Nuneaton & District Schools Challenge Cup (Under-12s section) crown".

SEPTEMBER

- Alan Shearer is among eight Newcastle first teamers sidelined with dental problems. Club insiders blame Bobby Robson's insistence on replacing the traditional halftime oranges with bags of Werther's Originals

- After a disappointing start to the new season, Blackburn sack boss Tony Parkes and immediately re-appoint him as caretaker manager ...

- Called to the Premiership match between Leicester and Coventry, the bomb squad manages to defuse Martin O'Neill, though Gordon Strachan is destroyed in a controlled explosion.

OCTOBER

- Hounded out of England, David Beckham joins Juventus and announces that he has topped former team-mate Roy Keane's contract by signing a lucrative 51,000 lire-a-week deal

- Manchester United announce their intention to withdraw from the EC and NATO

- Following months of frustration at Peter Johnson's refusal to sanction the purchase of new players, Everton fans are delighted when new chairman Alan Sugar arrives at Goodison Park.

NOVEMBER

- Robbie Fowler tells an interviewer, "it's a privilege to be one small part of the greatest club in the world." Sadly, the club he is talking about is Cream

- Bored of winning everything in Scottish football, Glasgow Rangers turn their hand to politics and sweep the board in Scottish elections. Sadly, their domestic excellence is not mirrored by a dismal set of European policies

- Bonfire Night is one to forget for Ryan Giggs, who is involved in an accident with a firework. He sobs, "The gaffer's always telling me that I'm no rocket scientist"...

DECEMBER

- After protests that 1999's event was too subdued, Gerard Houllier announces that Liverpool's Christmas party will be held in a sleazy dive. "That sounds right up my street," declares Michael Owen

- Chris Sutton spends a fortune on a top-of-the-range PC for Christmas, but a defective modem ensures he can't find the 'net

- Manchester United call on the Russians to withdraw from Chechnya and Michael Douglas to withdraw from Catherine Zeta Jones

- Asked whether he is enjoying life in Italy, David Beckham replies, "is the Pope Catholic?" Adds the midfielder: "Well? Is he? I really need to find out."

Back to Fishtank Humour

Rate this article out of 10