After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death
Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has
added a new, state-of-the-art day care center to its already vast array
of capabilities. The massive four-room day care center, which,
according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning
environment for tots between the ages of one and four," has already
begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by July
"Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Center," the
Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four classrooms,
outdoor playground and experienced staff of licensed day care
professionals, no other facility can match its awesome instructive
Though still several weeks away from full strength, the Sunshine Death
Star Center is already up and running. Among the most popular
activities there are finger-painting, storytime and Duck Duck Goose,
which the Emperor often helps lead. "Feel your hatred flow through you,"
he told 3-year-old Jenny Bates, as she energetically chased fellow
toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips around the outside of the circle.
in to your hatred!"
In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning activities, children
at the Sunshine Death Star Day Care Center have already witnessed
the destruction of several planets out the center's giant bay window.
Last Friday, in the middle of a coloring activity, the planet Alderaan
blown up, delighting 23 of the 24 children who witnessed the devastating
power of the battle station. The sole exception was Libby Phelps, 3,
whose family was vacationing in Alderaan at the time of its destruction.
She was frightened by the loud explosion and began to cry upon
realizing that her mother, father and younger sister were now dead. The
emperor's elite squadron of imperial guards leapt to action, removing
the girl from the room and giving her some ice cream treats to calm her.
According to Death Star officials, the idea for the center sprang up
after a number of parents complained about the lack of quality,
child care options on the Death Star. "As a stormtrooper and father of
three, I'm very excited about the new day care center," Death Star
citizen Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a safe, nurturing environment, one in
which my child will learn." Added Gail Lindon: "For years I took my
daughter to work because I couldn't afford a nanny. Do you have any idea
how hard it is to operate a tractor beam with a two-year-old pulling
at your leg?"
As excited as most are about the new day care center, a few extremists
have expressed concern about its proximity to the Death Star's
"There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft that leads to the
core," parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss said. "If a small rebel
ship were to somehow break through the deflector shield and enter the
shaft, it's possible it could hit the reactor core with a single,
well-placed proton torpedo shot and destroy the entire space station."
Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing such a shot as "a
million to one."