E-commerce consultants. (3 months, extendable to 12 years)
Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant
will have no
experience of any of the following: commerce, computers, the
taste. A lack of design skills and a fixation with style over
also be important. You should have current experience in gross
and hoodwinking scrupulous clients. You will work with a bunch of
opinionated irritating w*nkers, constructing a series of web-pages
many 'broken links' and loose ends as time and money allow.
Bullshitter (3 month contract)
Bullshitter required. You will have at least three years experience
jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a Unix
Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician level, and waffle
technical capacity. Arse-covering skills will be an advantage. CBE
(Certified Bullshit Engineer) qualification essential.
Liar (6 month contract)
You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You
able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from
Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive) does not
exist. You will also be required to make up stories or explanations
hop, so experience of police work will be considered favourably.
ties and/or certificates are provided to add convincing "colour" to
successful applicant's statements.
Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement)
Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities: (1)
and unusual hairstyle with goatie beard (2) fashion taste which
somewhere in the mid-60's, (3) a lifestyle quite unlike anyone
else, or (4)
a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks. The deal
also have a Californian accent. Unix experience not essential, but
keyboard skills may be useful.
Experienced timewaster wanted - urgent contract.
Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at
pages of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling a
of 150 years. In addition, they must also be able to claim
hobbies which nobody in their right mind could possibly fit into a
which included, for example, sleeping or eating. The successful
will have no real skills in any category whatsoever, but candidates
considered providing they do not know anything about C++
Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendable to 6
Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must
ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The successful
will be asked to break something during the interview, preferably
in a way
which the interviewer will never have thought possible or remotely
Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer
and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which
can be used
to show why the interviewers were right to employ you, coupled with
complete lack of awareness regarding arse-covering. You will work
close-knit team of temporary contractors and will travel from
project tasked with the job of tidying up the loose ends to ensure
acceptance and satisfaction.
Timewasters, timewasters, timewasters.
Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the Far-East
Scotland, to start immediately. Skills must include six months
machine, three months photocopying and general administration and a
of one year "between assignments".
Noxious beancounter required.
Must interfere constantly and construct meaningless lists of serial
and other pointless documentation. Numeracy/Literacy not a
an interest in stamp collecting is essential. Bad-breath and BO
advantagious. Contract is for an initial three months and may be