Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your "Guyness" Quotient
- Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping
out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression
and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
- As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
you miss the most?
c. Cherry bombs.
- When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.
- What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits
a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that
(1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wear-
ing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with
your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
- Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
- In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
- You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One
leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--
you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when
she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks
she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty
of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's
not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a
lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
- Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and
the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the
adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come
what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her
hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
- One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks
you to get your three children ready for school. Your first
question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
- When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not
naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to
discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because
the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than
- What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
- What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked
answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In
fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the
special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has
Alzheimer's disease and cancer.