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Bad Jokes
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A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's licence?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I went got my 3rd drink-driving ban.

Officer: I see sir, well may I see the log book for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen ?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the log book in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT ?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Superintendent. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Superintendent approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Superintendent: Sir, can I see your licence?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)

Superintendent: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the log book.

Superintendent: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver:Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Superintendent: Would you mind opening your boot ? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; No body.

Superintendent: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying ba$tard told you I was speeding, too !

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise.
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
Once they are alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I Said POSSE.

A man named Kev boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Tonto," Kev says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

Ireland's worst-ever air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this morning in Central Dublin. Irish Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far, and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the afternoon.

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody."

The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
"Whaddaya want?"
"Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."

God decides it's time he has a vacation. So he asks St. Peter for his assistance. St. Peter says, "Why don't you go to Mercury?" "Oh no!" says God, "I went there 25,000 years ago and got the worst sunburn of my life." St. Peter says, "How about Pluto?" "Oh no!" says God, "I went there 10,000 years ago, broke my leg skiing." St. Peter says, " How about earth?" "Oh no!" says God, "I went there 2,000 years ago knocked up some Jewish chick and I've been hearing about it ever since".

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break apart every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come by?"
"Did they chop your firewood
?" "Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Q : What is the definition of Confidence? A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What's pink and hard? A: A pig with a flick knife.

Q. What do women and prawns have in common? A. There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: Why do seagulls have wings? A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.

Q: Why did god invent alcohol? A: So fat women can get laid too.

Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word? A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker? A: Your last blow job.

Q: Why did god create women? A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

Q: What's 100 yds long and smells of piss? A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

Q: What's the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus? A: One's got a moustache and smells of fish and the other lives in the sea.

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness"

Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common? A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE? A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: Why was the washing machine laughing? A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

Q: What will Postman Pat be called when he retires? A: Pat

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: How do you make a dog drink? A: Put it in a liquidizer.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair? A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm? A: A rottweiler.

Q: What do you call bears with no ears? A: B.

Q: What's got two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog..

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes? A: Buy her some flowers.

Q: What is the definition of confusion? A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

....Cops have nothing to go on.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka. And what kind of lettuce?

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The first engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A software engineer, hardware engineer and company division manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careered out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it ground to a halt along the mountainside. The occupants were unhurt, but stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. "I know," said the manager. "Lets have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we'll be on our way." "No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we'll be on our way." "Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:
'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde reading a book called Sex Statistics. 'Any good?', he asks.
'Fascinating - American Indians have the widest penises, and Polish men the longest. By the way, I'm Jane.'
'Hi,' he says. 'I'm Tonto Palawlaski.'

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

Words that don't exist, but should: LACTOMANGULATION
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide?
To hold cows together.

Eagles may fly, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says, "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"
She replies, "because you're fucking ugly."

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the cornershop."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

An eskimo was riding his snowmobile when it broke down. He got off, and noticed a gas station nearby. He went over, got the mechanic, and brought him over to the machine. The mechanic bent down, fiddled with the motor, looked back up and said to the eskimo " I think you just blew a seal" No, said the eskimo, that's just frost on my mustache.

One day a driver picks up a stranger hitchhiking on the side of the road. The stranger gets in and he realized that there is a monkey in the back seat of the car. Twenty minutes goes by and suddenly the driver reaches back and slaps the monkey in the head real hard. The monkey then jumps in the front seat and starts giving the driver a blow job. Again twenty minutes later the driver does this again, and the monkey performs the same action. After a few other times, the driver asks the stranger "Do you want to try?" and the stranger replies, "OK but don't slap me that hard!"

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling

A motorway and dual-carriageway are in the pub when they notice an A-class road. They walk up to her, and start trying to chat her up. Just then, a small strip of tarmac walks in. Both the motorway and dual-carriageway turn round, and, spotting the small strip of tarmac, jump behind a couple of seats for cover.

The small strip of tarmac swaggers up to the bar, orders a triple vodka, and downs it. He orders another and downs it again. Then he turns to leave the bar, just pausing to wink at the A-class road as he goes.

The motorway and dual-carriageway know that they've blown it with the A-class road, but decide to give it another go anyway.

"What's up with you two?" the A-class road asks. "I thought you were the kings of the road. Is that small strip of tarmac hard then?"

"Hard?" replies the motorway. "He's a raving cyclepath!"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30

feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must work in business."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the

same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet......

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Put him down? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No", replied the vet, "because he's fucking heavy."

A man is driving up a steep, narrow, mountain road.

A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

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