Fishtank Humour - Article Tank - Definitions

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Definitions
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Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Alibi: proof that you were in two places at once.

Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.

Baby-sitter: A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Bank: A place that will lend you money if you prove that you don't need it.

Bank manager: A jerk who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and ask for it back when it starts to rain.

Budget: Something we go without to stay within.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Camel: A horse designed by a committee.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

Classic: A book that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Cynic: Someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Death: Life's way of saying, "You can let go of your ankles now."

Dieting: Wishful shrinking.

Engineer: A person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

Fairy tales: Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Passion: A feeling you feel when you feel a feeling you've never felt before.

Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Relativitiy: Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.


Offices

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Umfriend: - A sexual relationship of dubious standing or a concealed but intimate relationship, as in: "This is Bridget, my ... um ...friend."

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