Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in
front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a
pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours.
Then annoy them
by standing outside their window and changing their
channel using your
identical remote control.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a
second time after
the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog
lights off.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the
neighbours into
thinking you have won the Lottery.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball
over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just
throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or
get hurt.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an
ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it
before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by
aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably
wake up in a strange place the following morning, having
had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering
any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number
plates by simply changing your name to match your
existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.
Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus
arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind
your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping
occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's
house.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an
amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only
looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers,
Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH
directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is
reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel
Hempstead General Infirmary
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a
spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your
legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded,
makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of
arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you
book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small
bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps
makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken
anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson,
Canada
Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply
pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two
black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to
have sex with the missus.
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new
kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your
forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in
your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm
too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat
by simply pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold
Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford
workout videos.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting
your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice
bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about
how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like
the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since
you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary
requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice
steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take
your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs,
call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay
mounted` for.
Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time
dips the buggers.
HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the
lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an
old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally
swerving across
the road and mounting the kerb.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will
allow you
to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his
lunchbox
with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking
around wearing a miner's hat.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe'
whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for
the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the
other in
your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may
find the
offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out
the names and address of people you don't know.
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the
expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for
shopping
lists.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a
handy
audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal
down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old
rope, and
then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the
passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably
passers-by
will think you've broken down and help.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that
the
subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in
only 2
days.
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or
bread
knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn
whilst in
the air.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the
wheels
and
locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match
in
every
room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the
escaping
gas.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your
indicators
lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're
going.
PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go
for a
drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front
window.
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping
them
in the
garage.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see
which items
you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully
checking
their
change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a
charity
shop,
then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can
give twice
as much, at half the cost. I think.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt
by
simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper
alternative, but
beware of bees in the summer.
APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red
nails will
be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a
red
carpet,
in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes'
eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in
the first place, you fat bastards.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least
you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer
by
simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and
cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any
of them.
Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking
gibberish and singing all the time.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them,
asking
them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through
their reply.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find
the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands
under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time
you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights
on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and
telling her.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie
in a
sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.
Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator
pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old
rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to
the passengers.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond
in
the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a
guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive
women in bikinis.
KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants.
NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as
well as fun-sized ones for giants.
FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty
'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs.
This would save your potential employer the expense of having to
make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances
of getting the job.
