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The New Viz Dictionary 2000
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Armbreaker: Particularly energetic wank.

Arse Spider: Tenacious well knotted winnit that cannot be removed without bringing 8 spindly hairs with it.

Audition the finger puppets: A single-act, one man show not suitable for children . Autograph the gusset. To allow the turtles head to sign the inside of your underpants.

Bacon strips: External female genitalia.

Beef box: A container into which sausages are put.

Benny Hill: Rhyming slang, female contraceptive.

Brown Daisy: Unpleasantly scented flower which attracts flies rather than bees.

Budgies tongue: Descriptive, the female erective bit!!

Bum Goblin: A gnarled malevolent turd that jumps out behind you casting a painful spell on your ringpiece!

B.V.H: Abbr, "Blue veined hooligan" A six inch tall, one eyed skinhead.

Chugnuts: Extremely large piles.

Cider Visor: Beer goggles for the younger drinker.

Cliterature: One handed reading material.

Cockoholic: One who is addicted to cockahol.

Conkers deep: To be in a state of deep penetration . Cough your filthy yoghurt: Romantic expression for ejaculation.

Crunchie: A sock worn the morning after being used as a wank-mop.

Disco fanny: The full strength flavour achieved after 6 hours on a dance floor in PVC trousers.

Ditch Pig: Affectionate term for an ugly fat girl.

Frog: A formidable blast from the spunk trumpet where the ladies cheeks puff out like a bullfrog's.

Double bassing: To have sex from behind while fiddling with the ladies left nipple with one hand and her budgies tongue with the other, a position similar to the one adopted for playing the double bass, though the sound is slightly different.

Drown some kittens: To drown a litter of small stools.

Eating sushi off a barber shop floor: Cunnulingus.

Face fannies: Sideburns.

Feeding the pony: One handed feeding of a lady's toothless gibbon.

Five pinter: A very ugly woman you would only chat-up after five pints.

Fizzy gravy: Rusty water, diahorrea.

Free the tadpoles: To liberate the residents of ones wank tanks.

Fuckshitfuckshitsuckshit: The sound made when driving through to narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Funbagtastic: Exclm, may be uttered when seeing a large pair of breasts.

Granny's oysters: Elderly female genitalia.

Greyhound: Very short skirt, only an inch from the *hare*.

Hairy Scallops: Furry shellfish to be eaten when bearded clams are out of season.

Hand-to-gland combat: Vigorous three minute bout of gladiatorial combat involving a spam javelin.

Heftty-clefty: Welly top, horses collar. Descriptive of a large vagina.

Lord of the pies: Salad dodger, barge arse, Danny Baker.

Mexican lipstick: Embarrassing facial tide mark found after eating out lady who was up on the blocks.

Ming the merciless: Death by chocolate starfish.

Monkey bath: A bath so hot when lowering yourself in you go 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

Opera house: A large vagina, with heavy pink safety curtains.

Pie-Liner: A Femidom.

PIK: Acronym, Pig In Knickers.

Pumpers Lump: The condition of enhanced right arm muscle due to excessive wanking.

Quim Chin, Muff mouth: A bearded fellow.

Release the chocolate hostage: To liberate Richard the third.

Roy Castle's last blow: A pathetic whimpering fart.

Starfish Trooper: An Arsestronaut'..

Tit Pants: A Bra.

Tongue Punchbag, Small man in a boat: See Budgie's Tongue.

Two Bagger: Someone so ugly that two bags are required, one to cover their head and one to cover yours incase theirs falls off.

Up on the blocks: Monthly MOT failure due to recurring leak under the Beatle Bonnet.

Wet as an otters pocket: Descriptive as to the moistness of a ladies kipper mitten.

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.


1999

Bombay roll - like a sausage roll but with tits instead of pastry and a cock instead of a sausage. And it costs 25 quid instead of 30p.

Budgie's tongue - Descriptive of the female erectile bit.

Blue veined hooligan - a six-inch tall, one eyed skin-head.

Chuff muncher - a woman in comfortable shoes.

Cider visor - beer goggled for the younger street drinker.

Cliterature - one handed reading matter.

Cough your filthy yoghurt - a romantic expression for ejecualtion.

Do a Southampton - to score and stay up when you really haven't got it in you.

Drown some kittens - To pass a litter of small turds.

Excalibur - A magic turd of legendary proportions that rises eerily out of the water of a mist shrouded toilet.

fanny-nosher - A woman in comfortable shoes who takes the other bus to dine at the Y. A tennis fan.

feeding the pony - One handed groping of a lady's toothless gibon.

five pinter - an ugly bird who you'd only chat up after 5 pints.

fizzy gravy - rusty water, diahorrea.

free the tadpoles - to have a tug.

genie rub - to buff up a skin lantern until you are granted three sticky wishes.

greyhound - a very short skirt (ie "one inch from the hare")

haddock pastie - beef curtains

hand-to-gland combat - a three minute one man bout of gladitorial combat involving a spam javelin.

ham-on-ham - the delightful sight of two young ladies going at it hammer and tongues.

hang your hole - to moon

harbour-master - one who has pilotted a few tugboats in his time.

jelly jewellery - the earings, nose-studs, fancy spectacle and other facial adornments a woman sometimes receives when her partner had intended to give her a pearl necklace.

left handed batsman - someone who prefers his balls delivered from the pavillion end.

left-handed website - an internet website which causes visitors to use their mouse with the left hand.

loose-lips - affectionate term for a woman has has been cocked more times than Davy Crockett's rifle.

Mexican lipstick - the embarrasing facial tide marks found after eating out with a lady who is up on blocks.

night watchman - a turd that has failed to flush away, not discovered until the next morning.

pace car - the slow un-aerodynamic leading turd that once out of the way, allows the fast, souped up bastards behind it to put their foot down.

pensioners leg - a thin, knobbly, veiny penis.

pie-liner - a Femidom

quim chin - (also muff-mouth, cunty chops) a bearder man eg. "Did you see Noel Edmunds on telly last night. The supind quim-chin." release the chocolate hostage - to Liberate a "Richard the Third" after his imprisonment in your back porch.

sixty-eight - oral sex given on the understanding that the favour will be returned ("Ere, give us a sixty eight, and I'll owe you one")

split the beard - part the whiskers, shag a bird.

starfish trooper - an "arsetronaught"

thick repeater - a large-bore semi-automatic, single barrel mutton musket.

treading water - light strumming on the banjo in order to keep ones interest up during the dull plot bits in a grumbleflick.

thunderbird - a fat woman

tubby chaser - a man who thinks thunderbirds are go.

turkey - the cracker you think you have pulled at the office christmas party, who turn out to be a tough old bird who only gets stuffed once a year.

up on blocks - a woman with a monthly MOTT failure due to a recurring leak under the beetle bonnet.

wizard's sleeve - A particularly capacious sausage wallet. As in "I can''t feel a thing in here. You must have a fanny like a wizard's sleeve."

wobbly landing - Trying when drunk to maneover your underinflated zipper zeppelin into your bird's hairy hanger.


1998

Beer scooter - Miraculous method of transport employed when leaving the pub after drinking large amounts of beer. So called due to the 'lost time' effect when returning home seemingly in no time and in incredible velocity

Coilius interupus - Method employed by God to prevent the birth of 'meatloaf's daughter'(a turd) whereby the doorbell rings just as you are laying the foundations of a log cabin.

Crafty butcher - A male homosexual. i.e. a man who likes to take his meat round the back.

Crescent wank - To arrange one's favourite jazz periodicals in a half moon display, before kneeling down to perform a be-bob solo on the spunk trumpet.

Dead otter - A single stool of immense proportions.

Docker's omelette - A glistening gobbet of rubbery phlegm with remarkable anti-traction proportions. A gold watch.

Dreadnought - Even bigger than a dead otter.

Driving range - Where you hit your balls when practising with your wood.

Eating sushi off a barber shop floor - Fanny diving.

Horse's handbrake - A raging bone on.

L.R.F (low resolution fox) - A female who appears to be attractive from a long distance, but is in fact unbelievably ugly close up.

Lung warts - Small tits.

Meatloaf's daughter - See dreadnought.

Menange a une - A one in the bed romp. A wank.

Mr Brown's at the window - To have a turtles head. First used by Queen Victoria. 'Prey forgive us, Mr Gladstone, but we cannot receive you at the present time. Mr Brown is at the window, and we fear we may papper our kex'

Necking turds - Description of one suffering from halitosis. As in, 'Excuse me, madam, I don't want to appear rude, but have you been necking turds'

Pace car - Of paying a sit down visit. The slow un-aerodynamic leading turd that once out of the way, allows the souped-up bastards behind to put their foot down.

Ragman's coat - Turkey's wattle; raggy blart; An untidy vagina.

Spice island - A foul smelling archipelago favoured by sailors on their trips around the world - i.e. the anus.

Throwabout - A petite woman who can be easily 'thrown about' from one position to another during sex.

Wizard's sleeve - Also a Clown's pocket. A particularly capacious sausage wallet. As in 'I can't feel a bloody thing. You must have a fanny like a wizard's sleeve'

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