For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need
to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you
know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that
anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed
the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the
wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a tosser!"
and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "tosser," and put it in my desk
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a tosser!" It
would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, as I would have to stop calling the tosser.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice,
I made up a name, "Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone
Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're a tosser!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial 823-4863.
Keep reading it gets better!
An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of
the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her
car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I
backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I
thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black BMW come flying up the parking isle in the
wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started
yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the shopping center as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy's a tosser, there sure is a lot of tossers in this world.
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I
wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just got
off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're tosser!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
When, I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying
on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're a tosser!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a
problem I had two tossers to call. Then, after several months of calling
the tossers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial tosser #1. A man answered nicely saying,
I yelled "You're a tosser!" but I didn't hang up.
The tosser said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, tosser!" and I hung up.
Then I called tosser #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, tosser!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
" I'll kick your arse."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, tosser!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to
kill my gay lover as soon as I got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch
the whole thing.
Watching two tossers kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6
squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences
of my life!