Here are some actual statements by several airline flights crews, and
occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"In-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported.
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve
from the overhead bins. The lead attendant announced on the
"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that
monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in
their seats until The aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at
the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm
switching on the auto pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit
with all of you for the rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"
This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a
very hard landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most bone jarring
experienced,. the flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here
to tell you, it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"
From an apparently disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to ABC. To operate your
seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
small children, decide now which one you love most."
"The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."
"Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with
your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate."
Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask that you please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us