George Paton Orange Lodge Grandmaster in N Ireland...
Ali : When you is on your marches is there music?
George : There is lots of music.
Ali : Is you knocking out a drum and bass sound or is it more speed
George : *pause* Er, different drummers have different styles. Ali :
not think you should use a bit of human beat box? Then people could
Ali : Would you ever marry a protestant girl?
George : Perhaps.
Ali : Well that is a good gesture, no. Wot about marrying a Catholic
George : Possibly because of my faith I would not.
Ali : But what if she was fit?
George : Again, because of my religion, no. Ali : But what if she had
own car, AND sound system and she wasn't gonna be stealing money off
the time. Would you marry 'er then?
George : I think I could be friends with Catholics.
Ali : Bu could you get giggy with them?
George : It's hard for some people to understand, but because of my
Ali : But what if they woz really, really fit?
George : NO.
Ali : Wot about the band the Corrs? Would you marry them?
George : NO!
Ali : So you is telling me that if they walked in 'ere now and asked
marry them you wouldn't.
George : Because of my faith, no.
Ali : All three of them.
George : NO.
Ali : So you really believe this stuff then!
Talking to Sue Ramsey. A member of the assembly of Sinn Fein...
Ali : Wot is it the language that they speak 'ere?
Sue : Gaelic.
Ali : GAY-LICK? What is that botty language or somfin, what is the
Ali : What is the vibe with drugs in Ireland? It might be
stereotyping or whatever man but I is heard that the Irish is always
for the crack.
Sue : No, no. Crack in Ireland means having a good time.
real but crack is a bad drug there is a high but also a low.
Talking to the Lord Mayor of Ireland...
Ali : Me don't know what going on 'ere.
Mayor : Well there are some people in Ireland who want to become a
United Ireland and then there are people who would like to become a
Ali : And where does Wogan stand? Is he in the IRA?
Censorship with James Thurman...
Ali : That has got to be the best job no? Watching porno all day. I
you've been doing it for 25 years man and surly no one can keep it
Ali : Why did they ban The Chocolate Orange?
James : Clockwork Orange.
Ali : Whatever.
Ali : Do you not think that the category 18 is too vague. Do you not
that you should 'av a category that guarantees you muff?
Ali : What swear words make an 18. Is flange an 18?
James : What is flange?
Ali : It's a word for the punani. What about virgina? Does that
make it an 18 coz that is the most dirty word man. That makes it
Ali : Why do they call it the welfare state? Is it coz it is well
Ali : Unemployment benefit is wicked no, coz you get money for doing
nothing, just chilling.
Ali : Me want to work when me want to work. Most of the time me want
chill or whatever, or just hang with me beetches.
Ali : The good thing about electing celebrities is that you know what
like, ufferwise you get the MP's and then you find out that after a
that they is like, you know sleeping with horses or whatever.
Judge Pickles and Law...
Ali : When can you murder someone?
Pickles : Well that's really a nonsensical question if I may say so
if you are entitled to kill somebody it's not murder.
Ali : OK, but
murder someone if someone, lets say called your mum a slag, diss your
.. If they call your mum a slag, you ring up the police, the police
gonna do nothing, you know they laugh at you.
Pickles : It depends I suppose, if you called my mother a slag and I
killed you, provocation can reduce murder to manslaughter,
Ali : So
the line then? If they call her slag - manslaughter, if they call her
- is that murder?
Ali : Do you think women should be on juries?
Pickles : Oh yes, of course.
Ali : What about when they got the painters in?
Pickles : I'm sorry?
Ali : What about when it's rag week? How can they be thinking
straight, serious! Serious, my woman, she doesn't know what's going
* everyone is guilty when it's her time, everyone is guilty, I do
something small - GUILTY! You should be chopped, whatever.
don't honestly think you could start asking people intimate questions
say "no, you can't do this."
Ali : Exactly, this is why you should not
women on juries.
Education with Rhodes Boyson...
Ali : What is education.
Rhodes : Education is basic literacy and numeracy.
Ali : And what is they?
Ali : What do you reckon about the Maffs.
Rhodes : What, the Maths?
Ali : Ayyy. Do you rate tha Maffs or do you rock tha Maffs?
Rhodes : What is the Maffs?
Ali : You know. One, two, three or whatever.
Rhodes : I see, yes.
Ali : Well why don't they teach propa Maffs in schools?
Rhodes : What do you mean by propa Maths?
Ali : Instead of teaching
and grams, why don't the teach ounces, quarters and eighths?
Rhodes : Yes, I mean in baking you need to know those terms.
Ali : Ayyy, for real. Me know baking.
Rhodes : I bake my own breakfast every morning.
Ali : Ayyy. An me
own breakfast an all. I mean who ever bought a kilo of anything man.
me mate Dave but he's gone down now.
Ali : Do you think we should have mixed schools?
Rhodes : I think that everyone should have the choice.
Ali : Do you
think that in mixed schools, all the boyz will spend all their time
muff, and all the girls spend all their time preparing their muff?
Ali : Well me, me got an A+ in punani but me fail me exams coz me
me time chasing the kitty.
Rhodes : Well that's your fault.
Rhodes : I think, overall, single sex schools perform better than
Ali : But do you not think that single sex girls schools bread, well,
who drink from the furry cup?
Rhodes : Well never having drunk from the furry cup one doesn't know
liquor is kept in it.
Ali : Well you know them girls who drink from the furry cup, also, eat
the bushy plate. You know what I is getting at?
Ali : Do you think sex education should be taught in schools?
Rhodes : No, it should be taught within the family.
Ali : Do you think that porn stars should teach the kids?
Rhodes : No
Ali : Why not?
Rhodes : I do not respect them.
Ali : But they has had more experience than anyone, man. Someone who
a four header will no how to cope with any situation.
Ali : Well you have shown that, Education should be spread throughout
nation, if we want to get into the space station. Wicked, reespect,
boyaka-sha, big up.
The Bishop of Corsham...
Ali : Jesus. Does he really have a beard?
Bish : Not necessarily.
Ali : Is he a man or a woman?
Bish : He's neither a man nor woman.
Ali : Wot?you mean he's a ladyman?
Ali : But wot has god ever done.
Bish : He made the world.
Ali : Wot he made the world?
Bish : Yes.
Ali : Did he?
Bish : I can only tell you what I believe.
Ali : So you saying god made the world? And since then he's just
Ali : What about the Virgin Mary? Is she really a virgin?
Bish : Yes.
Ali : Was she really?
Bish : I believe she was. She found herself pregnant. Ali : But me
girls who also find themselves pregnant. There muffa's say wotz been
'appening 'ere. They say "listen, you been mucking about? 'Ave you
drunk maybe? Don't lie to me."
Talking to James Whittaker about Princess Di...
Ali : Why was she nobbing that Pakistani?
James: He wasn't a Pakistani he was an Egyptian.
Ali : A'ight...
James : She fell in love with him and she had a summer romance.
Ali : Will Carr-mella ever be queen?
James : Camilla?
Ali : A'ight Carr-mella.
James : I think she will.
Ali : Do you think that a lot of the objection to Camilla is because
James : So *what*?
Ali : So minging.
James : What does minging mean?
Ali : Her face is very.. ugly. NO me didn't wanna say that.. she's
James : Most women in this country...
Ali : A'ight - are a bit dodgy.
James : Well no, being compared to Diana who was a very beautiful...
Ali : She was tasty.
James : Very tasty - so you put anybody up against Diana and it's a
of a problem. She is also a very fit woman. She rides well -
Ali : She 'aint fit man!
James : No this isn't Diana I understand Prince Charles as well -
Ali : But she look like Rod Hull.
Ali : She does man.. what do you think about Fergie?
James : I think she is a... decent person -
Ali : Did they not find pictures of her sucking someone's nob or
James : No they wouldn't find pictures like that - you're referring to
sucking someone's toes or having her toes sucked...
Ali : A'ight but
used the word toe.. they used the word toe
NO.. er watch it...
Ali : Boyaka-sha. Check dis. Today we is talking about the women. I
none other than Sue Leetch. She be none other than director of the
for gender research and we is going to talking about ladies. Now, one
two people in the country is "a women", so we has got to know about
Women. They is important aren't they?
Sue : They indeed are, very important, as important as men.
Ali : Which is better? Man or Woman?
Sue : Well equality is not about who is better.
Ali : But which one is better? But one must be just a little bit
Sue : In what way?
Ali : Like, in the way that somefin is worse and somfin is better.
Ali : Do you think there will ever be a female Prime Minister?
Sue : There has been one.
Ali : Who?
Sue : Mrs. Thatcher.
Ali : Yeah but she wasn't a real Prime Minister. Do you think they'll
let another one slip through?
Ali : Do you think that a women should be able to 'av any job?
Sue : I think so yeah.
Ali : Yeah, but would you feel safe thought if you new a women was
Sue : Would you feel safe then? Do you feel safe being driven by a
Ali : Nope. Would you not be scared though that she might start
what ever or start finking about fings and then forget to fly the
get angry with somebody?
Ali : A lot of boys me know are trying to get their girlfriend to try
of feminism, do you think that if right?
Sue : Yeah I do actually I think it's a good thing.
Ali : Do you think all girls should try feminism at least once? Do you
it's right that they should try it when they is drunk at a party or
ever with one of their mates?
Sue : What is trying feminism?
Ali : You know try a bit of feminism and when they is sober wake up in
morning and get back with their boyfriend?
Sue : What do you mean?
Ali : When they kiss a women.
Ali : Me uncle Jamal say that he is tri-sexual. That he will try
that is sexual. What does that mean?
Sue : There are a lot of people who would like to have sexual
with men and women.
Ali : So you think that he is saying that he is having it with blokes?
Sue : Yes.
Ali : Ayyy?
Sue : It would suggest that or that he is interested in it, but maybe
done it. It depends what done it means.
Ali : So you fink my uncle Jamal is a botty boy?
Sue : I don't think he is a botty boy but...
Ali : So you think that he just like it in both pipes?
Sue : Not necessarily.
Ali : So you think that it is a joke? Coz he is a joker. Coz if you
that to his face he'd probably kill ya.
Ali in an Art Gallery looking at Paintings...
Ali : Who be dis cheeky lickle lady?
Guide : It's a friend of Van Gough
Ali : She look like she just been having??
Guide : She doesn't look very happy.
Ali : Perhaps she just been taken up the wrong 'en or something?
Ali in the Royal opera house...
Ali : Look at dis. It's the royal opera 'ouse. Don't it look rubbish?
That's why they is spending 25 billion squid to try to make it look
John Nike Leisure centre in Bracknell.
Ali : Why is it that so many of the singers 'ere are so terribly fat?
Guide : They're not all fat.
Ali : Is it because of the discrimination that you is letting all of
Ali : What is the acoustic like in 'ere.
Guide : It's brilliant.
Ali : Wicked.
Guide : Try it.
*Ali Sings* HERE ME NOW, RYYYYYYYDE THE PUNANI. RIDE THE PUNANI.
Ali : So, if you wanna sample some culture you can spend fifty squid
night out at the opera or me can get you a bag of skunk DIS BIG.
The Health Service and Faith healers...
Ali : I have been told that I have 'ealing hands. I can make some
one that haven't ever had one before.
Healer : Well you're a lucky man aren't you.
Ali : For real. Is it not just down to technique or whatever, coz I
few tricks. Or is it that I is keeping the vibe going to the punani?
Consulting Western Medicine...
Ali : Can you check me?
Healer : Can I see your tongue?
Ali : Me tongue's a bit dirty. That is a little bit down to me Julie
Ali : Respecting wot you is wearing now. You is styling it, you is
Wot is it?
Thomas : It's mohair.
Ali : Mo' hair? Mo' hair, from the muff?
Ali : Why do you not put your labels on the clothes? If you do you
is selling the clothes and advertising the clothes. You is knobbing
ladies with one johnny, no?
Ali : Will you make clothes for any women?
Thomas : I don't have a problem with that. As long as they are happy
Ali : Even if they is mingers?
Thomas : Mingers?
Ali : You know, "Nice Personality". You know, face like a rotweilers
Thomas : I find that very offensive
Ali : Do you think that the wonder bra should be banned?
Thomas : What on earth for?
Ali : You think you is going to get something that isn't there?
Thomas : It's your fault for thinking that in the first place.
Ali : The other week tho me was in dis club an me see this girl, she
had a bad face but these serious babylons man, and me was grinding
wiv 'er and me was doing the boggle and me took 'er 'ome and me
them and day disappear. One on the floor, one behind her back.
That aint fair.
Thomas : You have to give it her. She fooled you.
Ali : Me did give it to her but me still no fink it fair.